Whoever said Tolerance is hard to achieve, never met me.
Over the years, I noticed that I'm very tolerant. Even with my anger issues, I'm very tolerant. I tolerate when people are rude to me. I tolerate when people hurt me. I hold my thoughts, anger, and frustration.
Some may say that it's good to be tolerant. To hold your tongue and don't confront people is a good thing, they would say.
But I disagree. Tolerance can cause major damage. The person that is frustratingly tolerant, is also highly volatile.
I bite my tongue. I count to ten. I give countless excuses.
All to make sure I don't speak up.
But tolerance can only go so far. There are times when I am pushed over the edge.
I get angry. I get sad. I get depressed.
Everything comes pouring in.... flashbacks flip though my mind like a movie.
Again and again, I feel angry... and I need to tell someone how I feel.
Then I think...who would I tell? Who would help me get through this? What do I want them to tell me?
And then I feel sad, that I don't have many choices to pick from...and even from those choices, I'm skeptical.
Would they actually understand? Would they help me? Would they let me confide in them? Would I feel better after I talk to them?
.....
Then after all this, I'm horribly disturbed. I feel like nothing matters anymore, because I am physically alone in this world.
The few closest friends that I have are away from me. The closest friends that I thought I had here doesn't feel close to me like I thought we were.
....
No one can truly comfort me. Comforting words are empty, because after they are said...after the warmth of the words are gone. I'm back where I started. Alone.
....
Everybody has a list. A list of people they have the most consideration for. For everybody, of course.... Family always occupies the beginning of that list.
Then who is next?
Friends. You have your BFFFFFF, then your BFFFFF, then your BFF, then BF, then friend, then acquaintances, then that creepy guy/girl that keep staring at you like he/she is going to devour you...
We all have loads of friends. Your most trusted friend would be the first one after your family.... of course..
Whether it be me and my personality or my character that puts me where I am, or if people just don't seem to care as much as I thought they did....
I am always last of the "friends" section of that list.
Depressing.
What makes it even worse, is that I am also the last on my list.
I profusely pray to God to not take anyone away from me.
I don't want to feel hurt because I lost someone.
I don't want to lose anybody. I never...ever want to feel that feeling of losing someone.
I pray to him... begging, that if he considers that someone close to me is ready to go... that I go in their place.
To avoid feeling that feeling... To avoid feeling the empty void.... I would rather go...
I pray to God that if an accident were to occur... I would want to be there... so I could get hurt, and the other wouldn't.
I would rather see myself injured... then my friends and family..
Because I don't ever want to feel sad that they're hurt... I don't ever want to feel hopeless that they're suffering.
I'm big, strong, and tough.. I can take it... I'll get through it. I have a high pain tolerance.
And still despite what happened to me and what's going through my head as I have doubts about people around me...
I still wish it. I still pray for it.
This is how tolerant I am.
Don't just tolerate, understand. Trying to understand why this person is being like this or why this might be happening may help. Everyone is a little more vulnerable than they actually put on their faces and they think they are that is why we need to be careful with our words because they can be really hurtful sometimes. Also, (I'm working on this myself too) just because they did something to you is not a excuse for you to do the same.
ReplyDelete"If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm any hostility." -Marcus Aurelius
Tolerance was never meant to be volatile. It was meant to be an act of love. The love for the person as a human being and our blessing to wish them happiness. It is an peaceful act. Therefore, that is why everyone says tolerance is an arduous act. Beyond simply tolerating we have to understand their acts and then determine, what we should do in order to properly handle the situation. Then at the end truly wish the other person happiness.
It is a nice thing to be able to consider others before yourself. But, have a balance. Know when it is right to be tolerant and when it is wrong to be tolerant. Don't just suppress everything that is inside. Just before you want to speak up, think: is this person worth my anger, does that person have his/her point, is it a good time to approach them with this problem, have I thought thoroughly about this problem, could the other person been having a bad day and etc....
Also, I would like to tell you that you are placed highly on my list.
I'm sorry if there is something troubling in your life right now. Keep on praying. We pray because we still have faith inside. Even though I am not Christian, I believe their are higher beings that guard and protect us. I hope praying can help relieve you and let you know that you are never alone.
I hope you never stop being tolerant as tolerance is one of the key factors into maintaining any type relationship whether it is with friends or family or anybody else.
Anyways, if you want to talk call me anytime. If I am not next to my phone, I WILL call you when I see the missed call.
And BTW.... the person who looks like they are going to devour me is definitely not on my list, they under this list called creeeeeper.... eeks
And another BTW, I didn't mean for this to be this preachy didactic comment. This is just how I think.
I don't want to say I can begin to understand all of what you're saying and going through but I do feel for you on the tolerance part.
ReplyDeleteI dealt with a sh*tty ass person who I thought was my BFF and all through the time she was telling my secrets to our mutual friends, judging me on how I did things as if her way was superior and in the end I ended up with so much people hating me or thinking I was a mean spirited person because I took the fall and defended her when she was doing so much sh*t talking, and although she was caught red handed with that I defended her. In the ended lets just say she cried a lot of alligator tears and honestly when I see her I still want to punch her face in... again.
My advice to your whole ordeal is stop being considerate of people who don't value you. You have to do you FIRST, because in this world no one will take care of you best but yourself. I find that when you make yourself happy first in terms of being in a positive position you can relate better to other people around you rather then having to tolerate them or what they do.
If you feel those people don't value you, I truly believe there are people out there you haven't met yet that will.
I wish you best of luck and praying is a great way, God helps those who he sees trying to help themselves first.
wow... both the people above said some profound things that i totally agree.
ReplyDeleteLeta, I know you don't call me anymore cuz all i say is "I understand you but you gotta try doing this and that instead of what you're doing right now" I think you're trying your best. However, just like what @che said, you gotta start taking care of yourself first. If that friendship doesn't help you at all, give yourself a little room for awhile. If they can't understand that, they're just not worth your effort of trying to be a good friend. You have to love your neighbor AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF. Love yourself Leta. Because the God almighty that you pray to LOVED YOU even before you were born and still and will continue to LOVE YOU.
Also, I would suggest adding one more thing when you pray to Him. "Give me good friends, and You, become my ultimate friend"
Like I was last year, I'm always free to talk. Even if that's 3 in the morning ;)