I never thought I would actually come to the conclusion of wanting to deactivate my facebook. It all came to me tonight...morning? I don't know it's 2:34AM right now, what do you call this?...
anyways.
I was looking through some photos of people I don't really like, yet I'm friends with them on facebook. Then, I thought. This is silly, if I'm not their friend... then why the hell am I their friend on fb? Not trying to make it sound like facebook is so official, because it's not. But the fact that I let this them know what is going on in my life, with pictures, words, and friends posting on my wall.... it makes me feel uncomfortable.
It is no one's business, especially if we're not friends... to know what is going on in my life.
But just now, I'm thinking. what if I really did deactivate my fb... I would truly be disconnected with everybody. Literally, everything is with facebook now. Group invitations, socials, parties, get togethers... we all find out by facebook, not by email. Our generation is SO done with email. crazy huh?
It saddens me, yet I know it's suppose to be like this. This is how we evolve. This is why we have smart people in the world. To make things more efficient, to make things better. But is it really better?
I digress..
I wish I didn't have this feeling. This need, this FEELING of needing facebook. It's PATHETIC. I started project 365 because I wanted to broadcast what was going on in my life. isn't that sad? Am I that conceited? Do I really want to show people my life? or Do I merely want attention?
Facebook is all about attention, isn't it?
Who is popular? Who commented on what? Who likes this? What did that person do? Is it worthy to comment?
People put it up on facebook, not to just put it on facebook. But they do it, because they want someone to care about the measly thing that happened. It's so sad. I have become one of them.
So now the I'm thinking, what should I do? Since I feel like this, isn't it obvious? Isn't it crystal clear of what I should do as of this moment?
But then there's that feeling. I need facebook. I must stay connected to everybody. Even the people I hate and dislike.
Another thing I realized tonight was that I truly loathe... my own people. Not all of them. But the ones that went to my church and the people that act like them.
I'm thinking... why do I loathe them with such passion? For many years now, I have known 90% of them since 1st grade. But til this day, I am an outcast at that church. ironic huh? How church should make you feel like you're at home, but instead I feel like I'm at the worst place I could imagine?
Wednesday night, I borrowed my stepmum's car to hang out with some friends, but I had to pick her up at 930 from church. The same church I hate.
I got there at 940 but it turns out that she had a meeting til 10, so I waited. When I first got there I thought, "Should I go inside and wait? It's more polite, courteous.... Or should I wait in the car?"
Literally.. after 15 minutes of contemplating, I decided that I wasn't going in. My reasons: I hate those people in there. Sure they might greet me like "OMG! I haven't seen you in so long, it's so great to see you." but no. with these people. It's more of them judging me. "Shit, Leta got uglier! SHIT! Leta got fatter!" EVEN if that wasn't the case. it's always something negative about me. Because of course... this church only accepts the "norm." The pretty, The acne-less, The SHORT-ness, The skinny.
All of which I am not. I am the most un-ordinary Korean. I'm big, tall, chubby, and acne-ridden. I'm not rich, so that lowers my status. I don't carry brand names. So I'm definitely un-cool. And I'm not snobby. There goes my last chance.
As a child, I wondered all the time. Why was I an outcast at church? Was it merely because of how I look and my size? I didn't think so, because they are girls and boys there that are bigger than me. At least I have an athletic build. and I still wonder. What was it? Maybe, it's because I don't ACT like a korean. like the koreans in america that try to act like koreans in korea. yeah. I think I try... and fit in to that. But it doesn't work with me. I'm so white-washed. But is it really because of this?
I have half the mind to go delete all my "friends" on facebook that went to my church, except the few that I like. I definitely hate seeing their daily life posted up, so why should I continue to let them see mine? even if they probably don't, because I'm nothing to them.
I digress.... again.
Is it my personality? Perhaps, I'm not likable to the mast majority of the human population on earth?
I know I shouldn't care about this and what people think about me. But there's alot of things people shouldn't be doing or thinking... Yet, we still do. I do. All the time.
"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." -Albert Einstein I love this quote Leta. Not only because Einstein is one of the greatest people that ever walked this earth, but also because it was well said. Don't ever feel contained anywhere, that includes your inner-being also. Think a little beyond. Maybe the people at your church just doesn't understand or maybe they are not just showing their true side of how they truly feel. Also, don't feel bad because of the comments they say because you are fabulous (ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS) just the way you are. You are such a wonderful person. I wish you were still in Dallas so I can talk to you. But, then what is it that I will say to you in person that I can't tell you on a comment?? (except that they might word limit me) Anyways, you are such a great friend. You are so caring. The things that I never say, and always mean to say, its like you get it, automatically. Like I never have to ask you for help, you like always help me and sometimes its not even things I even think about. You can always analyze things so precisely and offer me the best advice when I'm in deep need of help and ask of nothing in return. (uh-oh sounds like I'm ranting) Anyways, you are great just the way you are. There is no need to change yourself unless YOU find it fit. Let your spirit to grow, never close doors, keep giving chances to the people at your church (maybe its because they didn't get a chance to know you well enough?) and lastly, stay opened minded, hold optimism like water in a desert and keep your values close to you.
ReplyDeleteAbout Facebook, are you going to deactivate it? I absolutely do not think your photo project is lame. Its wonderful. A way to record your days, the time of your life, your youth and look back at it and smile for all the funny/cute/obnoxious/crazy/enjoyable/sad/blah/blah/fillintheblank things you done! Does it have to be on fb? Maybe not... but it was your choice and it still your choice on where you decide to put it on, or not put on for a portal's sake..... Well I have to say, I think fb is great for connection. Connecting from friends that we are far away from and want to drop a message to and for updates on their lives and filling their lives with our updates also. But if it becomes bothersome and competition, then I just wouldn't deal with it. You can make things happen starting now. If you don't want to use fb anymore but still need to connect or find out about events/b-days and such, use email, use list-serves, use address book and etc. I know you can find away fb. Although, I think fb is wonderful, I just don't find a need for it anymore. Especially since I try to stop using it during the year.
I hope I said everything I needed to while I was reading your post...
Anyways, call me if you just need to talk!
And gosh, I feel like you are the MOST active when it is around 2AM is it not?
with love-christy
It's really hard to not think like this. But yeah, i'm trying.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't see all the attributes you say about me.
i'm glad you are trying, no one is perfect but we can try! :)
ReplyDeleteand anyways, of course you don't see all of these attributes because you do them out of your nature, you never think about those things you just do them because you just automatically do all of them :)