It occurred to me at about 1:53 AM, that one of my best friends had dropped me as a friend. What's pathetic is that me being dropped didn't occur recently... I realized today, I was dropped a long time ago. Immediately, my head started pounding....My head still hurts incredibly as I type this post. For awhile, I didn't know what to do. Should I talk to someone? My friend? My boyfriend? Who should I call? Who would answer at this time? Who would listen with an open heart and sympathize but at the same time understand completely how I feel?
I went down the list of people in my head. I couldn't pinpoint anybody. And I'm not saying that it's because they're bad friends, most of them probably wouldn't pick up the phone, because it's late...and I don't blame them. But did it ever occur to you that in movies when they needed to talk to someone in the middle of the night, they don't simply call them, or aim them, or skype them. They go and meet up with them... Is that reality? Do people do that in real life? Do friends do that in real life for their good friends? I've never seen it or heard of it. But I'm jealous. I wish I could do that. I wish I could meet up with my friends when god knows what hour, and have a talk. Wouldn't that be nice? It may just be me. But I would love that, because right now, I need one. So badly.
My head still feels like exploding. So after contacting some of my friends to see if they were awake still, and found out they weren't. I finally thought to just simply write it all out.
I can feel every emotion possible for a human being...being muddled up in my head... I feel like crying, but I'm furious. I'm depressed, and relieved... I feel everything. My head cannot comprehend what the fuck is wrong with me.
Is there something wrong with me? Do I have really bad luck? Do I have bad taste in picking out friends? I just can't take it anymore. I feel like I don't have friends. Wow... I sound pathetic. But I feel like I have a select amount of friends that I hang out with, eat with, or do anything with. Why does it seem that I'm the only person on this planet that seems to have a select amount of friends? And not only the fact that I want to hang out with them... but that they want to hang out with me. I can only think of five friends. Is that a sad number?
I want to feel like it's okay. I want to feel like maybe I'm just picky, or something of that positive shit people try to ram down your throat. But I don't feel okay. I feel like I wasted my time. I feel like I wasted my emotions on people that I thought were my friends! It's funny...really...that these people happen to be the people that I've known for a long time. some that I even considered my brother or my sister.
Man I'm so sick of this shit. I bet you are too. If anybody knew me, and I mean really know me. They would know half of what I'm saying in this post.
Now, I got to thinking...I seriously cannot be the only person on this damn fucking earth that feels this way? That's been treated this way? right? I know, there MUST be someone out there that has felt exactly what I am feeling right now.
But why does it seem so much worse for me? Why am I awake at 2:24AM writing in this stupid blog about this when I am exhausted??? WHY?
then I figured it out. and I won't be saying it on here, because I hate that reason. I hate that I am that. I wish with every fiber in my being that I wasn't! and it has to be true because PEOPLE have told me about this. My own sister has said this to me. Now if you live in my world, usually my sister is right. So I sort of have to believe her...most...of the time.
I'm thinking really hard right now. My whole life is flashing, and I know that sounds so cliche, but it really is. Maybe, me being that sort of person isn't a new epiphany for me. Maybe, I knew this whole time and I tried to restrain it. Maybe that's why in the ninth grade I was the biggest bitch in the world. Maybe that's why everybody at my church thinks I'm either an evil bitch, or huge ass scary girl....Maybe that's why I care so damn much about those so called friends ditching me. Even though I knew I was being neglected and rejected. Even though I knew that I wasn't truly their friend, I still cared and hoped that maybe it would change.
Pathetic. I am so pathetic. I almost want to delete this post, because it's embarrassing... But I'm not about to erase 30 minutes of writing...
I should move on. I need to move on. My friends did tell me that if it were them, they would've dropped them a long time ago too.
So what makes me different? Why can't I just walk away? I hate feeling so damn weak. I have feeling vulnerable. I think my fear of that makes me like magic and supernatural stuff so much. Like Harry Potter and Twilight. Why is it that I'm so infatuated by it? It's because I day dream and imagine that if I really was a witch like in Harry Potter then I could learn and defend myself with spells. If I was a vampire like in Twilight, I would be invincible.
But I'm neither. I'm human. A human that's particularly weak and vulnerable, but also fears being weak and vulnerable...so it just makes it even more difficult to deal with.
Now this is the point where I usually get my epiphany about my issues or dilemmas. The ultimate epiphany. God.
And I do love God, believe in God and all that. But I can't connect with him right now. I'm so deep within my thoughts that I can' break out of it to let him through. And I know someone I know would just say to pray. and yeah, I'll try...But I think it's going to be like a long time before it starts working.
Something funny also occurred to me just now again, You would think someone with issues like these, issues with friends leaving her and all that jazz would think twice or maybe ten times when making a new friend... maybe have trusting issues?
But no. That's why this is so much more complicated.
i personally believe that if you have ONE true friend by the time you're dead, you had a successful life. and it takes a LIFETIME to get that one friend. So have patience my friend.
ReplyDeleteand yes, i would say 'just pray' but when i say that, that doesn't mean prayers like 'dear God, I have this problem.. blah blah blah' it's more like, 'hey... can u fix this? please? there's none but You that can fix this...' something that you say everyday life with your friends you know. all that 'dear God blah' works too but i like the latter better.
praying to God isn't all that religion crap. It's like talking to your friend. Yes, I know it may take a little time for you to come before God. But please know this, that YOU'RE ALWAYS in my prayers. ;)
one more thing, friend making never should stop. You just never know how ANYBODY would turn out.
Leta! Jesus loves you more than you could Possibly know! I know its hard when friends turn out not to be friends, It has happened to me before and crushed my spirit as well. But Jesus put me back together, and I know he will do the same to you! I am praying for you. I know that I only met lyou like for one semester at Richland, But I knew that when I met you, You were a powerfully likeable person. Use that great personality and fill your heart with Joy and love from God, then instead of seeming like a scary angry person, people will be amazed at your Joy! God can make that change in you. Persevere and Pray, Even if you don't think you can do it. Do it! God is the best. And keep making friends and putting your trust in them. Even if you fail at times, you will find a true deep friend! Praying for you!- Connor Schmidt
ReplyDeleteOk, i had, had something before but all it sounded like was continues ranting from an ill infromed person who knows nothing. So i'm going to keep this as short as i can. People are ignorant, rude, brutish, malevolent, and down right evil. BUT a person can be kind, caring, close, and a true friend. Most of us seek what little relations we have with people because we are desprate to connect. Even more so if we feel as though we have been ridiculed and degected. We crave that attention that want to be part of a pack to be in a group of people who care about us. And as such i think i can understand what you feel, or at least i assume that i understand what you are saying. Having something like a friend or a person we presumed to be a friend to cut off connection with us feels like a slap in the face. It is worse when they do it online wise because then they don't even have to say that they don't want to have a relation with you wat so ever. It hurts and i can understand the feeling. I also understand that you feel as though you only have a few friends and that they are not as loyal as you wish them to be. That you feel that they could and will betray you sooner or later and that makes you uneasy. I am not going to say it is the will of God or to go and pray and hope that they will not becuase you have already heard that over a and over again. What i want to say is that even if you feel like you only have 1 good friend then thats worth something. I think what your seeking is companion a person in whom you can fully open up too a person through thick and thin will be there for you no matter what. To have something like that is rare in our society now in days and is something that we no longer usually look for becuase in our culutre we belive we should be self independent that having ties is a weakness and a liability and we hate feeling weak. So we evean shun the idea of having a bond so thick such as a compainon becuase we are afraid of getting hurt. Alot the time this idea is based off biblocal refrences look at Jesus and his companions, he had brothers that would fight and die for him they were their through thick and thin yet on bond broke and becuase of that we saw one of the biggest betrayls known to human kind (at least from a theological biblical point of view). Damn my response is long again but i guess it will suffice seeing as your post was lengthy in order to fully express ur self. But in a nutshell you have friends so instead of focusing on what happens to the ones that fall out (cuz that will happen) focus on refining your friendship with the ones that you beileve are worth refining, and hope to make them into companions instead of friends. I hope you read this and i hope that it helps in anyway or form. (oh and if you do ever want to talk you can try texting me if you still have my number)
ReplyDelete